I can text with my tongue
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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