My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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