I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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