You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
