I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
