i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
