you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
