Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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