With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
