I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
