Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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