The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ladies don't puke and tell
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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