Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
