"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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