Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
