i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
