There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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