You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
