i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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