god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
