What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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