Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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