Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
