I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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