just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
