how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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