ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
