My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
