She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
pray to the hookup gods
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
