I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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