who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
