I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
