im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There's always time for handjobs
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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