guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
