listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
