kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
