I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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