my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
