I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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