woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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