you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
