my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
