Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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