Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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