I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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