All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
