I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
