you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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