Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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