I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
