made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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