I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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